Funny marriage quotes

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An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't.
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By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
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If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
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Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
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I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
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My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
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In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.
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Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
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The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after. Forty is when you watch the TV during. Sixty is when you watch the TV instead.
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Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
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Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third.
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
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Why can't women tell jokes? Because we marry them!
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Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.
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Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series.
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Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.
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Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house.
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Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
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A man's wife has more power over him than the state has.
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Saw a wedding in the church. It was strange to see what delight we married people have to see these poor fools decoyed into our condition, every man and wife gazing and smiling at them.
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If Marilyn is in love with my husband it proves she has good taste, for I am in love with him too.
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If I get married, I want to be very married.
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Any young man who is unmarried at the age of twenty one is a menace to the community.
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
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I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me!
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My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
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My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
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She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
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In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.
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A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
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Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
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